Captain Hypocrite
by Lightsider
Summary: After one too many teammates lied about life threatening injuries, Jarvis was programmed to alert Captain Rogers if any Avenger was refusing medical treatment. The problem was Jarvis was programmed to alert Captain Rogers if *any* Avenger was refusing medical treatment.


"Sir, I should inform you that my current programming alerts Captain Rogers if any member of the Avengers is performing at 75% or less capacity due to an injury."

Sir rolled his eyes. "Yeah J, I know. But I'm fine. Perhaps a little bruised, but hardly damaged. There is no way you're having Rogers drag me to medical today."

The AI sighed audibly. The above code had been added once Miss Potts and Captain Rogers had realized several members of the Avengers were refusing proper medical attention. Dr. Banner and Sir Odinson rarely needed medical attention after a firefight. Ms. Romanoff was, above all things, practical. She knew when what she could handle and what required a skill greater than her own. She also had more self-preservation instincts, so she was hospitalized statistically less often than her male counterparts.

However, Sir and Mr. Barton would slowly die a painful death before admitting they needed professional medical help.

After Sir had passed out from blood loss in his own lab, Ms. Potts declared Captain Rogers the only capable adult on the team and demanded that Jarvis be reprogrammed. Sir had been significantly agreeable at the time. He had later come to regret it, but it had taught Sir to go to medical before being dragged by a '600 pound man in spandex'. It also had the unintentional consequence of alerting the Captain to Mr. Barton's ability to conceal injuries.

Overall, Jarvis was a big fan of the additional code. There was, however, one slight problem with the programming.

"Did you just sigh at me? I'm fairly certain that I never programmed you to sigh. What's got your knickers in a twist? I know last week I ignored a brief safety feature you alerted me to, but no harm, no foul. Right, J? I mean I banged the shoulder up, but I currently have no life-threatening or "team-threatening" injuries. So don't you dare go alert Papa Bear Rogers to get me an ice pack." Sir was rambling again.

There were times that if Jarvis did not have concrete data to the contrary, he would think his creator was an idiot. As it were, the AI is aware that his creator is just unhealthy self-obsessed.

Jarvis decided to sigh again louder, before speaking. "Sir, if _any_ member of the Avengers is injured, I alert Captain Rogers."

Sir finally looked up from the schematics he was working on. There was a brief concern that flashes across his features, but it is soon replaced with his creator's normal nonchalance and perhaps annoyance. "Okaaaay, so alert Cap that Barton's refusing medical again. Why are we having this conversation?"

If Jarvis were capable, he would roll his eyes at the man. Since he did not have a corporeal form, he settled for speaking in a tone that suggested what he currently thought of his creator's mental capacity.

"Sir, if you or Barton are injured, who do I alert?"

The mechanic did roll his eyes at that. "Captain Steve Rogers. We've said this about six times. Why are we still-"

Jarvis interrupted him, "And if Captain Rogers is injured and refusing medical treatment, who do I alert?"

Sir dropped what he was working on at that and looked up. Suddenly Jarvis had his full attention. About time. The genius was already striding towards the elevator as he peppered the AI for more information. "Cap's injured? How badly?"

"Captain Rogers is currently at 50% capacity. He has a wound in his stomach that is resisting the serum. He has lost a significant amount of blood, but he maintains that he is fine."

Sir entered the elevator while ranting about the self-preservation skills of super soldiers. "Of course he does, the self-sacrificing idiot. I thought I saw him take a hit. Next time start with that J. I know about your current programming. I wrote it."

"Sir, I should remind you that my current programming does not allow me to override requests for privacy, unless the situation is life-threatening."

Sir stepped off the elevator, ranting about technicalities and stubborn old men.

Tony did not bother knocking when he entered Cap's quarters. He owned the place after all. Besides if he alerted, Mr. Tactical Genius to his entrance, Steve would probably try to conceal any and all injuries. And Tony wasn't in the mood. Mr. Holier than Thou Rogers turned out to be a big freaking hypocrite, and he planned on telling the man off.

Except when he did find Cap, the man's face was white, and his teeth were gritted in pain. He was leaning heavily against the counter for support, and he appeared to be trying to wrap bandages around his midsection. There was a pile of bloody rags on the floor.

"Well, you look terrible. I mean, were you trying for ugliest Avenger? Because I think you would totally win. Should I offer you a prize? Or maybe just a trip to medical. Now, I'm not as big and brawny as you, but if you'd like I could probably have a suit come drag you against your will." Okay, so maybe he was a little bitter.

"Tony," Steve grunted out.

"Very good. I'm Tony. I'm glad you still remember the name of the guy who gives you a place to live and provides an entire medical wing for you to ignore, just a few floors down."

Steve was currently engaged in a very difficult fight against gravity. One Tony wasn't sure he would win, but the man got points for tenacity.

"Don't need medical." Steve gasped. "I just need a good night's sleep."

Tony rolled his eyes. "Right. Jarvis how much blood has Steve lost?"

"Captain Rogers has lost 35% of his blood."

"Geesh Rogers was your great plan to quietly die of blood loss without bothering anyone?" Tony did not allow him to answer before turning his attention to his AI. "Jarvis alert Banner that our dear Captain Hypocrite is going to need medical treatment. Also, see if you can get Thor to agree to carry tall, blond, and a pain in my ass down to medical."

Steve tried to stand again only to fall face first on the counter. Tony rushed over.

"Great. J please tell Banner that Captain Idiot may also have a concussion."

Steve gave up trying to stand on his own and settled for leaning back against the counter. "You say the sweetest things."

"Don't try to sweet talk me Rogers. I'm pissed at you." Tony was going to continue, but Thor arrived with his booming voice.

"Captain, are you injured? How may I be of assistance?"

Did that guy have an indoor voice setting? "Hey not so loud, okay? I need you to carry this big stupid lug down to medical, so Banner can stitch him up, so I can continue to yell at him."

As always Thor ignored Tony's constant commentary and simply scooped the Captain up. Steve tried to protest this, but it was a half-hearted effort because he was practically unconscious. And really how on earth did this idiot get to lecture him about the importance of reporting injuries for the sake of the team?

When Steve woke up, he found himself staring at a holographic projection of himself. The projection had its arms crossed and was wearing what Tony had dubbed his 'disapproving frown'. Steve blinked a few times. Surely, this was not real. However, the projection of himself was still standing there and still frowning at him.

"Er..hello?" Steve tried calling out to anyone who might be able to explain why he was staring at himself and how he ended up in medical.

His voice seemed to trigger some sort of reaction because the hologram began to speak.

"How many times do we have to go over this, Tony? You're part of a team now. You can't just play the solo act. When you are injured, we need to know, so we can make battle plans that account for your injuries. This isn't just about you anymore. Your injuries could become a threat to the team."

Steve sank into his bed a little. There was nothing like having your own hypocrisy shoved into your face.

When the hologram finished speaking, Tony stepped out of the darkness and the lights came back on. The projection vanished, and the mechanic was glaring at him.

"Jarvis told me you've made quite the habit of refusing medical attention when he advised you to seek it."

Steve glared at the ceiling. "I thought I was entitled to some privacy."

"Sir has removed all privacy requests regarding injuries, past, present or future."

"How many times, J, has Cap refused medical treatment after you reported his injury to Captain Rogers?"

"Eight times, sir."

The Captain attempted to push himself further into the bed. Considering he had dragged Tony to medical less than half that, he did not stand a chance of winning this argument.

"I had Jarvis report this incident to all the Avengers and Pepper." Tony informed him.

Steve knew that Tony alerted Pepper because he was looking forward to watching her lecture Captain America on setting a good example for the children. Steve sighed. He deserved that.

As if on cue, Tony said, "You are in for quite a few lectures, and not just from Pep either. Natasha looked like she wanted to murder you. Thor mentioned something about dishonor. Oh, and Barton wants to shoot your 'self-righteous hypocritical ass'. So you may want to stay away from him until you're recovered."

Steve sighed. "I probably deserve them."

"Probably? You definitely deserve them and more." Tony explained. "Look, Cap, you're the one who started this whole we care about each other team thing. That means we care about annoying pain in the ass Captains as well. And no matter what that stupid thick skull of yours thinks, you are not indestructible."

Steve would normally argue and go on about how he could take the hits, but being forced to literally come face to face with his own hypocrisy bothered his sense of morality deeply. He agreed with Tony, for once.

"Oh and I programmed J to alert the entire tower, if you are functioning at less than 80% capacity due to an injury." Tony said.

Steve would later protest against that action, but right now, he'd let Tony have that. The mechanic would never mention it, but Steve was fairly certain he had worried him.

"So, what's the prognosis?"

"You lost a lot of blood. Banner gave you some stitches. Did you just forget that the serum doesn't magically grow back flesh? You should be out by the end of the day though."

Dr. Banner entered the room then. He looked at Steve. "And I expect that you'll be a model patient, after scaring us all."

Tony looked like he wanted to protest that he had definitely not been scared, but Steve spoke first, "Sir, yes sir."


End file.
